


Half Life: Coda

by crystal_lives



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Blood and Gore, Borderline Personality Disorder, Canon Asexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon Trans Character, Death, Depression, Gay Male Character, Gen, LGBTQ Character, Memories, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop, Trans Male Character, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28248573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystal_lives/pseuds/crystal_lives
Summary: "Freeman!" Gordie snaps awake. Again. How many times will he wake up to this same voice, the same name? Will nothing stop this time loop? He doesn't even know how long he's been stuck in Black Mesa. Every time the damned loop resets, the same thing happens. He wakes up with different pre-laboratory memories, new friends for the hivemind to slaughter, and he goes to work. They always run the same experiment. How the hell could he still be doomed to such a "low probability" resonance cascade? And how could he be the only one that's stuck?!He feels like he's tried everything. He's minded his own business. He's gotten through to Xen. He's defeated Nihilanth. He's gone a genocide route, killing everyone that he had ever loved in that lifetime. Hell, he's even died countless times! And, yet, he still wakes up to a security guard rapping his knuckles at the door.Is there nothing left for him other than this? Slaughter, death, and grasping alone at the corpse of someone who had been dear to him in one life or another?Wait a minute. "Alone." Now that he thinks about it, isn't that all he's done? What if... the real solution is a pacifist route?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. "Comes... Another..."

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! This is the third time I've had to rewrite this note due to technical difficulties, so I'll keep this short and sweet for sanity's sake. This AU was created by a close friend and me equally, so make sure you thank him telepathically when you realize how awesome the names Colbert Teasley and Samuel Riller sound! Most of the events in this AU were taken directly from my gameplay and situational character dialogue, occasionally with slightly modified contents or context. Anyway, let's cut this short- Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you'll stick around!
> 
> (P.S., I'll be sure to put content and trigger warnings in any of the chapters that I think need it. Please don't hesitate to comment if you think I might've missed a spot!)
> 
> Trigger/Content warnings for this chapter: extremely brief mentions of abandonment and bullying, implied familial deaths.

My HEV Suit is probably soaked by now. Safe from most outside liquids I’d encounter, sure- but it turns out that sweating profusely is an expected reaction to fighting a _goddamn_ alien… God? Supreme leader? 

" _Freeeeemaaaaaannn..._ " shit, shit, _shit_ , Gordie, keep your head in the game! Nihilanth - they’re right there, grating voice and all, come on! This is… how many times have I fought it before? I should be able to speed run this by now! So why won’t they just-

“Oi, Gordie! Hurry up!” Wait, what? That doesn’t… _sound..._ like Nihilanth. And “Gordie?” Since when was I on a first-name basis with this thing!? I’d better finish this quickly, come on! “Gordie Mariano Freeman, I’ll break down this door if you don’t get your ass out here in the next 10 minutes. You’re gonna be _late_ !” … What the hell? Door? Late for what? Ah, nevermind that! Focus! _Rat-tat-tat-ta- knock knock knock_ . “Mari, if my name isn’t Billy goddamn Birdwell- Come _on_! Did you forget about the test? They’re all at the lab waiting for you!” 

_The test._ Should that ring a bell? It seems familiar. Huh. Isn’t that how I got… here? Yup, I remember now. The botched test, the resonance cascade. Every single time. That must mean this is another reset, right?

I try to catch my breath as Xen disappears from my sight and my blankets ripple around my legs. _Knock knock knock knock knock_. 

“Mari, this is it! You’re paying!” Paying… the door! I launch myself off the bed, but- _ow_ \- the blankets trap my ankle and I slam my face on the ground, right as “Billy Birdwell” busts open the door and poses coolly with his gun drawn.

It’s at this moment that my memories for this timeline come trickling in. So this is Billy… my best friend since high school. The funny thing about these loop memories is that they’re different every time, and it’s kinda like I’ve grown up again in just a few seconds. Bingeing the Star Wars movies in his basement became a yearly tradition. Coming to each others’ high school graduations despite him being a year younger than me, and the two of us running out of the school together to celebrate as soon as he’d gotten his diploma. Cheering him up when his own application to Black Mesa’s science team had been rejected. Helping him to apply to the security forces. Stuff like that, little things that put together a much larger picture. The picture here being my new life, of course.

“Wow, Billy, have you seen yourself from this angle? Stunning,” I smile into the floor without attempting to get up.

Most of the memories I’m assigned aren’t anywhere near as happy as the ones I’ve received this time around. “Dad goes to buy milk”, “bullies get cocky”, “siblings run-or-worse” kind of things. This time around, though, I’ve got a friend. And I sure am glad I won’t have to pay for that door he just demolished.

“Gordie, this isn’t a laughing matter. I was worried sick, it’s unlike you to be late for such an important day. Were you really just,” he pauses to reholster and haul me up, “sleeping? Jeez, you’re absolutely sweating through! If you aren’t feeling well, I’ll storm down there myself an’ tell ‘em to hold off a minute, get you something from the break room-”

“I’m alright, Billy, really. Just some crazy dreams keeping me up, if I could call them that,” I can’t help but shakily chuckle back at him as I’m turning over my new memories in my head. They’ve got a sweet aftertaste to them, almost like a butterflies-in-my-stomach and heat-to-my-cheeks kind of thing. A feeling you can’t help but want to savor even if you hadn’t known that you were about to kill off probably half of the world in an experiment you had no control over. 

“Are you absolutely sure, Mari? Look at me. If you’re not feeling okay, I’m serious, you can’t go down there. It’s already a risky experiment. Hell, some of the electronic servers are even down, so it’d probably be best to wait with no worries! Too much can go wrong if you’re not up to your best. Listen, I can and will shoot you in the foot if you get hurt.”

“‘Sorry sweetheart. I haven’t got time for anything else,’” I respond with a shit-eating grin plastered over my face. Billy releases his grip on my shoulders to groan.

“Really? Stealing my lines, now, too? Can’t have your own Han Solo quotes in Black Mesa, I swear. Go get in the shower, I’ll make breakfast for you and set out your clothes.” I’m already out of the room by the time he finishes his sentence. “And hurry it up, will ya? Take too much longer and they’ll get you in trouble!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it. Thanks, Billy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie, sorry if there were any mistakes in this lmao I'm typing this up again at 1 am like an intelligent humming bean B) Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar issues in here if you wouldn't mind commenting because I've only just realized how long it's been since I've tried writing something. Sorry that this was so short of a chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it. If you couldn't tell, Billy's my favorite, so brace yourself :D  
> And yeah I couldn't help but include some good ol' Nihilanth dialogue- I still haven't witnessed them in-game? But listening to the same five-second voice clip for seven minutes is definitely not as fun as I probably make it seem.  
> So yeah. Goodnight everyone!


	2. "Morning, Mr. Freeman. Looks like you're running late?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWS/CWS FOR THIS CHAPTER:   
> \- KINDA VENTY AT THE BEGINNING  
> \- BRIEF MENTION OF GASLIGHTING  
> \- VOMIT/NAUSEA  
> \- FLASHBACK TO A S//C/DE ATTEMPT; **ITALICIZED TEXT MARKS THIS FLASHBACK**  
> \- CHOKING   
> \- NECK INJURIES (SHALLOW SCRATCHES, IMPLIED TO BE SELF-INFLICTED OUT OF REFLEX/PANIC)  
> \- SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS
> 
> PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANYTHING SOBS I WROTE MOST OF THIS CHAPTER FROM 12-3A
> 
> OH also I don't own most of the dialogue in this chapter. If you've played through HL, you might have recognized the tram's announcements and the guard's greeting. Those are from Valve, thanks :')

“Good morning, and welcome…” the tram’s automated announcement system, as always, plays overhead. I’ve ridden this tram so often that I could probably recite its news in perfect time, but so could anyone else that’s gone back and forth on this thing for more than a week. 

“The time is 8:47 A.M. Current topside temperature is 93 degrees with an estimated high of 105.” Though I’m not sure why I’d even have the urge to repeat it. Nope, I can just sit here on the floor. Don’t look out the windows, don’t lay down on the seats. Just sit and try not to think about how the tram system will collapse in maybe two hours, max, depending on how long I drag this out. Don’t lift my head to look at all these people, unaware of how limited their time is. Don’t think about all the people who will be waiting for them to come home, only to receive a silence bribe in the mail at the most. Heh, monster. At this point, I wonder just how many lives I’ve ended. Through the experiment or just by my own hands, it doesn’t really matter. It’s my body count all the same. 

It’s not as though I haven’t tried to avoid the experiment altogether. I’ve tried warning the other scientists. They called me paranoid, said I’d stayed up too late last night, that there was no way anything could have gone wrong. The calculations were perfect. You’re a professional. Thinking this negatively will only make it true. Yup, it’s not like the computers went down or anything. And, of course, it’s not until everything goes wrong that everyone says that they’d tried to warn everyone. Of course. Aside from trying to bring attention to everyone’s imminent doom, I’d killed a security guard and attempted to escape Black Mesa in their clothes. I was caught not too long after that, and the loop reset immediately instead of forcing me to sit through more of it. On the other side of the spectrum… well. I had tried one other notable thing.

_ Clutching the sheets, I’ve made up my mind. If they won’t listen to me, if they don’t stop the experiment, if I can’t get away… They won’t get me to be a part of it. Not again. I fashion the sheets into an improvised rope with shaking hands. I can’t catch my breath. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, or else suddenly stop. Either way, I think I’m gonna puke… No. Hold it together, you fucking chicken. It can’t go on like this. It’s the only way left. If this doesn’t work… Ah. There’s footsteps outside of the door now. They’ll be barging in at any second. I should hurry up. I’m lightheaded as I scoot a chair to the closet, suspending the noose on the solid beam at the top after setting all the clotheshangers on the bed. Tugging everything again to make sure it won’t loosen or fall on me. Checkmate. My head is teeming with conflicted thoughts and jeering blips of terror. But this has to be the solution, right? Yeah, of course. Scooting over a chair now. This’ll either exit the loop, or… or it’ll just kill me. Either way, it’s out of this hellhole. I’ll take it. I have to. Taking one last look at my room, I steady the chair. It’s a dumb spinning office one, really unsteady, but I can’t exactly grab a solid one from the break room and bring it down here. “Heya, Dr. Freeman. Say, what’s that chair for?” “Oh, nothing. Just need something more stable to kick out is all.” Yeah, no. They’d never let me go for that stunt, so this has to suffice. It’s not like I need elegance, anyway, I’m just- nuh uh, back on track, Gordie. You’re distracting yourself again. Thinking in circles. Shut it. Standing on the chair isn’t too difficult, but I have to raise it up to reach. My heartbeat quickens just looking at the thing. My hands are holding open the loop at either side - I haven’t even slipped it over my head yet - and I’m already having difficulty breathing. My face is kinda itchy, so I wipe it with my ar- wait. I’m… crying? Why am I- why would I be crying?! This is the solution, goddamn it! It has to be! There’s no room for failure anymore, It’s this or back out there. Back to the invasion, back to your failure, and back to the slaughter. I quickly slip the loop of the noose over my head before I can think about it any longer, and the cheap office chair buckles. Wait, I’m not ready! This wasn’t supposed to happen...! It wasn’t… big enough-  _ cough cough cough _ \- !! Can’t… breathe… Get- get me down! Hurts… can’t. Can’t un… tie… S- someone’s. Here… ? Wh- Can’t think… come… c’mon… ! Get… m- me… _

I- I can’t breathe! Someone-  _ cough cough _ \- help…  _ cough! _ A bitter liquid coats my tongue and I slowly and hazily get back to reality. There’s a crunchy and flattened texture in my left hand, and something warm slipping between my fingers. Blinking away tears, it’s… Ah. Billy’s toast… I must have choked on a bite. Damn, my throat feels raw. I graze it with my other hand and draw in a sharp breath. It burns… taking a look at my reflection in the dull tram’s metal siding, it looks like I had been scratching at it. Frantically, even. What the hell happened? I can’t even remember what I did this time. Taking another look around, I realize I’m hunched over quite a bit of vomit. Oh, shit- this was mine??

“... will commence this evening at 1900 hours in the Level 3 facility. The semi-finals for high security personnel will be announced in a separate secure broadcast transmission,” the automated tram message drones on. So I guess I didn’t zone out for too long, then. 

“Do you have a friend or relative who would make a valuable addition to the Black Mesa Team? Immediate openings are available in the areas of: materials handling, and low clearance security. Please contact Black Mesa personnel for further information.” Oh boy, so they’re still using that announcement. I remember when I had just started working here, Billy had made it his dream job to come with. He was great in school, took college seriously. Great kid, if complicated. In all honesty, i can’t remember why his application to the civilian recruiting team had been rejected. We had both decided it would be better to forget about it entirely. My first day here, fresh theoretical physicist meat, they had played that same announcement. I had driven to his house as fast as the speed limit would allow just to tell him in person after my workday ended. If they wouldn’t let him kick ass with me on the science team, he’d at least be a perfect fit for security. Good shot, dedicated, intimidating when need be, things like that. Lo and behold, his application to the security force was accepted within two days of processing. Seeing him smile again was such a great relief. With the setup they have in place at the facility, employees have a sort of dorm setup option if they want to live on-site. For most scientists like me, we didn’t have much of a choice but to opt in for the dorms since we were regularly exposed to hazards and the like. Not a very union-friendly research facility, that’s for sure. If I was here without him, he’d have been left alone at his apartment. Knowing Billy, we agreed that was a fuckin terrible idea (his excuse was “There’s no one else worthy to watch the good ol’ trios with! Plus, my dad makes the popcorn taste weird. You buy the good kind.”) and tried setting him up out here. At the time, we hadn’t had any idea of just how dangerous it’d be in a government-owned, top-secret facility, so I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for getting him to stay. He would be safer if I hadn’t told him about the announcement, but would he be happier...?

“Now arriving at sector C test labs and control facilities. Please stand back from the automated door, and wait for the security officer to verify your identity. Before exiting the train, be sure to check your area for personal belongings. Thank you, and have a very safe and productive day.” Woops, this is my stop. No more slacking off, Gordie.

“Morning, Mr. Freeman. Looks like you're running late?” The guard on shift for today politely walks over, accepts my ID, and lets me out of the tram. 

As we make our way to the airlock, they hum a quiet tune that I can’t seem to recognize, and I pipe up, “Sorry, I had a bit of motion sickness this morning. Stress for the experiment, you know how it is. Would you be so kind as to let someone know to clean it up?”

“Sure thing. No worries, Dr. Freeman. Happens to the best of us,” they offer a friendly smile.

“Please, call me Gordie. Most of the other guards do, anyway.”

“Got it.” I step into the airlock as the doors close between us, the guard shouting “Good luck in the test chamber!” as the airlock seals. 

If only, if only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I'M SO TIRED help it's 2:10a.


End file.
